What A Difference A Father Makes
John 4:46-54; Eph.6:1-4

Rev. Alan W. Deuel

On Friday, from all accounts, a good man died, Tim Russert.  He was a veteran newsman, a skilled interviewer, the respected moderator of Meet the Press, a husband and father and son.  Much has been and will be said about his life and legacy in the coming weeks.  One of the things which struck me was Tim’s love and respect for his parents.  He wrote about this in two books, the first, Big Russ and Me, Father and Son: Lessons of Life which was a memoir to his father.  The other book was Wisdom of Our Fathers: Lessons and Letters from Daughters and Sons, comprised of excerpts from some 60,000 letters he received from men and women about their fathers in response to his first book.

Yes, what a refreshing change, rather than another self-promotion book by a public personality, it was instead about the influence of a father – lessons about working hard, being raised Catholic, laughing often, keeping your honor, spending time with your children, leading an honest, disciplined and ethical life.   Even in Tim’s adult life, he turned to his father for advice and counsel, and his father’s common sense served Tim well.
 
Mark Twain said: “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around.  But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.” 

Yes, today is Father’s Day when our nation sets aside a day to honor fathers and the ideal of fatherhood.  Today some will take a quiet moment to remember fathers who have died.  Today we honor those fathers who make promises and keep them, who whether married or divorced, stand by and support their families emotionally, spiritually and financially.   Today we honor those fathers who give the best and the most of themselves to their families.  Today we also pray for those fathers who neglect their responsibility or who abuse their role in the family, that they will have a change of heart and fulfill this vital and honored role established by God.  Cross-cultural studies on the family report that poverty, is not as important a factor in juvenile delinquency, as the absence of a competent and loving father.

In our passage from Ephesians, the apostle Paul first refers to the Fifth Commandment: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord for this is right.  Honor your father and your mother”.   Jewish and Christian children were taught to know this commandment by heart.  The honor that Paul speaks of means to love them and respect them.  Children are to obey parents while under their parent’s oversight, but the responsibility to honor one’s parents, is for life. 

But then the apostle Paul adds a second admonition, something brand new.  He is thinking about the culture of his day and the Roman Patria or the father’s power.  Under the Patria a Roman father had absolute power over his family.  He could sell them as slaves, make them work in his fields, take the law into his own hands and punish as he liked, including inflicting the death penalty on his child.  The absolute powers of the Roman father extended over the child’s life as long as the father lived.   

Because of the obvious abuses of such power in his day, Paul challenges the status quo of the prevailing culture and admonishes Christian fathers to raise their children – “in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”  Not according to the Roman Patria, but in the spirit and after the example of Jesus Christ.  In other words, “Fathers, have the mind of Christ and a Christ-like attitude toward your children, balance discipline with compassion and mercy and forgiveness.”       

This is vital to children’s emotional, intellectual and spiritual development as they learn from parents, who they are, what a family is and who God is.  For if our faith in Jesus Christ is real, if it’s genuine, it will prove itself first in the home, in our relationships with those we are closest to and who know us best.   

A parent-child relationship in the Lord is one where the fruits of the Holy Spirit are present - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.   This is the kind of environment which the Lord desires for fathers to strive to create in the family.  And when we are living by faith in-Christ, such an environment is far more than some unreachable dream or fantasy, it can become a reality.     

Yes, being a father makes a difference.  Despite the worries, and frustrations and challenges, it makes all the difference in the world. 

One insightful author wrote:  “Some today have claimed that because our society doesn’t understand or appreciate the importance of a father, fatherhood has become a vanishing art form.  It seems that by the time Dad knows what he is doing; the kids have moved away and are too independent to respond to him.  I am not so pessimistic.   There are certainly serious problems with some fathers today.  There are serious problems with dead-beat dads and abusive fathers.  But these are a minority.  There are also many committed, spiritually mature and faithful fathers, and I do not hold with the notion that fatherhood has become a vanishing art form in our society.”

Biblically, what are some of the characteristics of a good father, of one who makes a difference in the life of the family? 

First, fathers, don’t exasperate your children!  In the Greek, the word exasperates literally means “to make angry.”  It refers to a slow burn type of anger, where the more you dwell on it, the angrier you become.  Fathers can infuriate their children by being neglectful or absent or abusive.  Paul used that word to warn fathers about certain fathering styles that produce angry children and teenagers.  Therefore fathers must strive for maturity, know who they are and be secure in who they are, be empathetic, forgiving, patient, possess skills in fathering and be grounded in their faith in God. 

Paul repeats this injunction more fully in Colossians 3:21 - “Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.”   And can’t that be a consequence of a hostile or overly-disciplined environment? What is the purpose of discipline?  It’s to help children learn boundaries and rules, and respect for authority and self control.  It’s to help them mature and grow and learn responsibility. To exasperate and provoke them to anger and frustration can lead to lashing out at others or bullying behavior or to becoming discouraged with a loss of confidence and self-esteem.  

One N.T. commentator writes: “Mothers have a kind of divine patience, but fathers are more liable to be carried away by anger. The plague of youth is a broken spirit, the discouragement which can come from continuous criticism and rebuke and negativity and too strict a discipline.”    

One person writes: “I’d like to thank my Dad for what he meant to me, especially for the way he treated me on that afternoon long ago, when I went fishing without permission and lost track of time.  He came walking through the lowering twilight after me and found me and my best friend sitting on the bank of a creek.   My pal Danny got a beating from his father.  I got an explanation and a hug.”

Second, fathers pray with and for your children!    In our story from the Gospel of John, a Royal Official went to Jesus and begged Jesus to come to his home and heal his son.  This father swallowed his pride, humbled himself, and asked for help.  That’s a great lesson for fathers.  Jesus tells him that his son will live and the man believed the word Jesus spoke.  Not only the father, but his whole household believed.  Praying with and for our children is one of the greatest gifts we can offer them.  Prayer creates a spiritual bond with them that becomes stronger with each day. 

Third, a father is one who lives out a Christian example!   Faith in God is demonstrated and valued.  Children see and hear and feel a father’s faith in God.  Through praying with the kids, through worshipping together as a family, through reading the Bible together, the children soon learn that Christ is central to the family and a genuine part of the family’s life.  Fathers have in indispensable “spiritual role” to play in the family.  God has called you to this special role in the family. 
 
Fourth, a father spends time with his children!  Harry Chapin’s son “Cat’s in the Cradle” reminds us of the importance of spending time.  One survey indicated that the average five year old spends less than an hour per week with his father.   We are to spend time with our children - time in recreation, or in helping with homework, or in any of a myriad of ways.  A relationship can only develop; a bond can only form with time.  Spending time requires planning and effort but pays big dividends. 

Fifth, a father gives his children responsibility!  Our children need to have responsibility.  They also need to know that we trust them to handle it.  We need to give them tasks and to guide and help them in completing those tasks.  Learning responsibility is essential for their development into adulthood.

Sixth, a husband and father loves his wife!  He honors and respects her, and the children see this first hand, this example of what it means to be a faithful and loving husband.  Children learn from our example, and they internalize this model which they will have an opportunity to put into practice as adults.   
 
Finally, a father gives his heart to his children!   Children are convinced, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they count in his eyes, that they matter to him, that they are special.  Children are assured that they do not have to daily earn their father’s love or approval because it’s already there ahead of them, it’s unconditional.  That is the test of fatherhood.  It has nothing to do with money or success.  It has to do with giving your heart in the name of Christ.

I close with this thought from James Dobson.   He writes: “One of the phrases that has gone into obscurity is the compliment - good family man.  It was once widely used in our culture to designate a true badge of honor.  The rough translation would be someone who puts his family first.  Good refers to widely accepted moral values.  Family points to purposes larger than the self.  And man says there’s a norm of masculinity. 

Who has been portrayed in the media as a good family man?  Bill Cosby modeled it for a few years, but there just aren’t many.  No, we’re more likely to hear about superstar athletes or the ladies’ man or the entrepreneur who sacrificed all, including his wife and children, to make his start-up company a success.  Fortunately, it’s not too late to bring this simple phrase back into vogue.  “A good family man.”  It is indeed one of the highest callings to which a man can aspire.” 

Yes, the Lord says being a father makes a difference; it makes all the difference in the world.  Amen!